10 Things You Will Probably NOT Hear Me Say

It is my goal to provide a safe, accepting environment that promotes healing. Toward that end, I am including this list of things you will probably not hear me say during a counseling session:

1. “I am shocked!” (Whatever it is, in all probability I have heard it before. And I have long ago gotten over being shocked.)

2. “My verdict is….” (My role is not that of a judge to decide who wins and who loses their case.)

3. “That’s not important.” (If it is important to you, then it is important.)

4. “Here’s what I want you to do.” (Okay, I sometimes say this. But it is not my place to impose “solutions” on others. The best and most successful solutions are those that are understood, desired and willingly embraced by the participants themselves. You need to “own it” if it is going to work. Still, I may suggest that you try something for a week or thirty days and report back on how it went.)

5. “Shame on you!” (It is certainly not my place to make you feel guilty, shameful, bad, or a failure. You may already be struggling with some of those feelings anyway. It is my job to help you figure out how to make it better.)

6. “You should/shouldn’t….” (While I believe in the concept of right and wrong, and that some choices are definitely smarter than others, it is usually not very helpful to tell people what they should or shouldn’t do. For one thing, people often know this already, so it only serves to make them feel guilty or rebellious. It also tends to put me in a parental role, which is normally not a good place for a counselor to be.)

7. (To married couples) “You have incompatible differences.” (Where couples are motivated to work at their relationship, differences that some people might consider incompatible can actually become a source of strength.)

8. “You need to try harder.” (The underlying problems need to be identified and addressed. The situation may need to be seen from a new perspective. New skills may need to be learned. Wounds from the past may need to be healed. “Trying harder” rarely works. Dealing with the root causes, and nurturing oneself and one's relationships, does.)

9. “Every cloud has a silver lining” / “Love conquers all” / “Let go and let God” / etc. (Don’t get me wrong. There can be a lot of truth in some of these sayings. But by the time my clients get to my office, they have probably already heard plenty of advice, and are not in the mood for “pat answers.”)

10. “Just forgive and forget.” (If it were that easy, you wouldn’t be talking with me. While forgiveness in the course of time is a freeing and healing thing, quick “forgiveness” can actually be a form of denial. In this case, it becomes an unfortunate substitute for facing issues, engaging in healthy confrontation and - when appropriate - coming to a true reconciliation.)